im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
