Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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