The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
