im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I deserve this hangover.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
