Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
