dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There's always time for handjobs
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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