I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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