Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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