dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
