I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
