i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
