mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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