you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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