Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
