I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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