God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
