Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
