i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
