I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
