so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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