i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
