A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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