dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
