man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
