I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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