you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
