Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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