i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
