She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
