in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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