I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
