I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
