I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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