I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
