Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
