I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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