Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
