Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
