woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Boobs speak an international language.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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