we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
