So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
