Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
