Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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