theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
