Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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