Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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