We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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