He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
