i was born a porn star she said
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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