Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
